We are pregnant!

This is Part of “OUR LITTLE MUSTARDS”  post.

We’ve been married for more than a year. And like any married couple, we look forward to that day that we will have our very own child or children. And because of my age- not getting any younger, we’ve been in constant prayers and constant visit to my OB-Gyne. What I am about to share was our journey to pregnancy 2 years ago, 2013.

We were in LAX, waiting to board for our trip to Ohio. It’s our year end routine to visit and be with our Families in Ohio for Christmas and New Year in Illinois. So picture this situation…

All of a sudden, I wanted a  “Hot Chocolate!”…I asked my wonderful husband to buy one. So he came back with a good smelling hot chocolate and a sandwich, he handed both items to me. After reaching for both of the items, I realized that I can’t open my sandwich while holding my hot chocolate. (I was starting to feel upset already, because he was playing with his phone and not minding that I might be needing some help!)  I asked him to put away his phone for awhile and just hold the hot drink first because I need 2 hands to open my sandwich. But because he was playing with his phone, his attention was not 100% to catch & hold the drink… what happened next? You guessed it right! He was not able to grab it in time (his left hand holding his phone while his right hand tries to grab & hold the hot drink) and the whole hot drink spilled all over me. And the worst part? He was still holding his phone calmly and was just looking at me. (Imagine!) A stranger actually saw what happened and he was quick enough to asked me if I am okay while I was panicking in wiping out all those hot chocolate from my top and pants!!! I was so upset when I almost yelled to tell him to go & grab lots of napkins and even ice. I was feeling the burnt already and almost in tears! Another stranger approached me to hand me some napkins. Finally! after few minutes later my husband came and started wiping tout he sticky hot chocolate from my shirt, my pants and the rest of it on the floor.

I quickly went to the bathroom. Clean up myself…I WAS SO MAD! I inhaled…exhaled…and whispered a prayer. I never got so upset like this with him. “I felt like a little child that all of a sudden her playmate destroyed her little pretty dress!” I was so annoyed and so many things were running in side of my head already. I told myself I will not speak to him at all! I will give him a silent treatment! What if it’s our child that he spilled the hot chocolate with, will he just stare at our kid and do nothing! He just don’t care! Waaaaaaaaaaaaah! Etc etc etc.(All the lies that an enemy can tell you!) But of course this was before I even whispered my prayers. Bottom line, God ministered to me. That I can’t be and act like a child with this situation. As frustrating as the picture was, it’s our process to learn together and from each other as a husband and wife. We also learned that “mood swings” are part of pregnancy symptoms!

When I returned to the waiting area, I am calmer and he was upset that he made me upset. He said his apology and in return I did mine too. He initiated to do a quick prayer (That is just amazing!). And after that I explained to him why I got so upset. Giving God all the glory our trip was not ruined by that little incident.

Little did we know that my hormone level was changing already. We had a wonderful Christmas in Ohio. Though there were little bumps along the road because we need to bring our Mom to the hospital on a Christmas day, still it was all Family love & effort and we stayed praying for her fast recovery. Praise God she got better! Towards the end of our trip, I can feel symptoms already. Yup! pregnancy symptoms! It is such a blessing how our Ohio family made sure that I am well taken cared off. Oh how I love my sister in law too! We were doing a little girl’s shopping day, and she kept checking if it’s okay for me to walk a certain distance and etc. She made sure I am fine and comfortable with our day out. (Not everyone is enjoying a genuine love from in-Laws! Thank you Lord.)

Finally, we flew to Illinois. We had a wonderful New year too! Not only we were able to spend it with our family there, we had a blast with our first Nephew, our pregnancy was also confirmed many times! Little short trips to Lab Corp and coordination with our OB in California, made it all worth while. Of course our family there made sure also that I am well taken cared. And my nephew was really excited about this news! And for the record, my husband got more protective of me and conscious in taking good care of me. Praise be to God!

My husband and I together with our Families are really rejoicing for our “bundle of joy”to be. (Because we had 2 miscarriages already that were “Blighted Ovum”). Finally It is happening for real. I felt so strong and so at peace with this huge blessing, even though I was nauseated a lot. And the few people that knew about it was in constant prayers too for us. Well, it’s time to go back in LA. To make an extra precautions, we made sure I will be riding in a wheel chair and will avoid the X-ray scanning. We prayed a lot for our safe travel, my sister from Illinois was even coaching me of what to do while in the plane. Thank God it was almost a smooth travel back home.

We were scheduled already for our first ultra sound. We were so excited…

When almost a week later, I started feeling a terrible pain. Radiating from from my lower abdomen to my lower back. We called the clinic, did another blood test…my HCG counts went down. I started having spotting. And pain was just getting worst the next day. And yup, sad as it was, we lost the baby. It felt like a total darkness. Some people don’t understand the pain, for others they think of it as… “It was just a month of pregnancy! Get over it and move on!” Some were so quick to make their own judgement… “Maybe it’s not just meant for you guys. Give up! You’ll just keep hurting yourselves!” Few even suggested… “You know, you are not young anymore, might as well consider adoption!” But most of the people around us, gave us the comfort we actually needed. “Prayed for us, prayed with us and believed with us that God is doing something beautiful for His glory… and not to give up.” As tiny as it was, it was indeed a growing life already.

Actually, we feel blessed in a way. Because though we were married for just over a year, we are actually capable of getting pregnant. Unlike some couples, that they reached their 5th year or so without even a chance to getting pregnant. That was the encouragement we received from our Doctor.

How did we cope us with this loss? Prayers. As a husband and wife we prayed and cried it out to God. Plus we know we have a solid people of Faith praying for us and with us. And most of all, God is with us in this journey. So do not be discouraged in times that you think your joy was stolen away… Because everything do have a reason, a purpose and the right time, all according to God.

Remember, John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” Knowing that we are in Christ, we have nothing to fear. And in Psalm 127:3 “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from HIM.” So being children of God, we know and we believe that our turn will come in HIS time.

In times of sorrow (whatever the reason might be), let your eyes shed tears. Let God hear your pain as your cry it out to Him. But let your lips and hearts be filled with prayers… for comfort, peace and understanding. As my favorite verse goes, “For I know the plans I have for you declares the LORD, plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you Hope and a Future.”
Jeremiah 29:11
We can trust in God’s promises.

Have a blessed day. And wipe those tears now…

Insert: After about 5 days, I had a beautiful dream about a little girl playing in our living room by our Sofa. She looks so pretty! She looks like my Dad but has the hair color and skin type of Russ with light brown eyes. I was sobbing in my dreams because of our loss and my husband reminded me not to feel sad anymore because we do have a child, and I should not forget about it. And then she pointed to our first born, we call her… “Princess Dianne.” (Sometimes dreams are just dreams, but sometimes it’s God’s ways of communicating to us. Giving us an encouragement not to look at the present situation but to look forward to what He had prepared for us.) Until then…